Christian comedian John Crist has said that he contemplated suicide after facing a number of sexual misconduct allegations.
The 36-year-old's career was left in tatters in late 2019 after a bombshell report in Charisma magazine detailed the testimony of women who alleged that Crist used his fame to pressure them into sexual relationships. Crist, whose stand-up comedy shows would take him to churches across the US, immediately exited out of the public eye and entered a period of rehabilitation with the aim of "getting healthy spiritually, mentally and physically".
He later accepted responsibility for his actions and noted his struggle with “sexual sin and addiction". He did not, however, overtly apologise to fans or victims, nor did he specifically address the allegations.
In a recent video on Instagram, the comedian said the situation came about as a result of his "own horrific choices".
He also said he felt so low and ashamed in the weeks after that he contemplated killing himself.
"About 16 months ago, I really was going to end my life," he said.
"I remember specifically this story: I was in rehab, out in the desert in Arizona, and I was so sad. I was full of so much shame. I didn't want to participate in the recovery process or try to get better or anything."
Crist admitted that all he wanted to do was go to the bars in his hometown, get drunk and "bring girls back to my condo".
"And I want to do that every night until I run out of money, and then I want to kill myself," he said.
"I believed something about myself that was untrue. I believe that this world would be better off with me not in [it]."
While he said that dealing with the situation was painful, it had to come out into the open otherwise he "would have just continued on the road of being a trash dude".
"I would have ended up [at] the end of my life alone and wondering why and hoping that the people on the internet would find me funny or relevant or whatever," he explained.
Crist added that he was almost 16 months sober, calling his recovery a "miracle".
"I still got all kinds of struggles and things that I work through on the daily,” he explained. “But I only say this to you guys to say I'm not sad anymore. If you go back to my photos, of the old tours like two years ago, like my eyes look dead, dude, like I’m not in there.”
Crist said that after leaving rehab, he was terrified that people would rebuke him as a “bad influence on their kids” or a “bad Christian".
“But everybody was like, ‘Dude, we want you to know we love you. We care about you, man,’” he revealed.
“Mostly my family and loved ones around me that were close to me, and my friends, but in a lot of ways, y'all kept me. I don't want to exaggerate this. In some type of way, you kept me on earth with your prayers, and your letters and your love. And I would regret if I didn’t stay on the path to recovery and try to do the same for y’all.”